As adults, it is natural to reflect on mirthful childhood memories and embrace the fondness of nostalgia. Certain instances will evoke bitter sweet memories to share with loved ones; for example, the memory of how a mark on the knee puts a smile on your face; reminiscing about climbing that old cherry tree but had to jump down swiftly and expertly and hide when mom came home from work before you realized that you should’ve been doing homework instead of stuffing your face with cherries. Now, a scar to remind you of that day and a confession to mom few decades later without getting into trouble would be a sweet deal. Yes, many have similar stories and many will experience the same at some point in their lives and everyone will have a great big laugh. In a favorable ordinary down-to-earth family, we’ll constantly hear stories like this, but what about stories of children with invisible scars or marks with memories too painful to speak about, and wounds that salt is being poured on all the way into adulthood?

Children in compromising positions rely on their mother especially for empathy so that they could feel the sense of safety and comfort. While a father is regarded for his protection, strength, and reinforcement; a mother is naturally needed for closeness, bonding, reassuring, and understanding, but when a mother is all around controlling and self-absorbed with a father that overlooks a whole lot; children are left dejected, frustrated, afraid, and feel the need to figure out life on their own. In many cases a person looking in may pass judgement on a child by assuming that the child is out of control and of course feel the need to self-diagnose that child. These vulnerable children are instead misjudged as tension seekers, entitled, spoiled, and brats. In an underprivileged house, a child acting out may be judged as angry and even viewed as violent and untrustworthy. In a middle-income family; a child may be viewed as spoiled and just wants attention. In an upper-class family; a child may be viewed as an entitled brat, but what’s the importance of socioeconomics to a child that is traumatized long term? How does living standards versus proper cultivation measure up in a child’s existence that is faced with the inevitable?

One young girl stuck thirty-five years back would describe her life no less than torturous and bewilderment. Sammy, a soon to be 50-year-old do not have the luxury of reflecting or embrace her childhood as fond reminiscences. Sammy is unfortunately still imprisoned in the invisible walls constructed and maintained by none other than her mother, with a father that disregard the insanity that could have possibly saved Sammy and her only sister from the world of psychosis. In the eyes and minds of many; this family is one of the most unfaultable households in their community, a well-respected couple with the most courteous, well-groomed daughters. So how can such insanity befall any child within those walls for all these years?

The family dynamic behind closed doors were already on shaky grounds from physical and mental cruelty of the young girls. The girls were to act a certain way, told how to be, told how to think, and told how to feel. The girls knew they were sisters but were very distant in sisterly or sibling relationship. They were barren of any sisterly love or bond; a next to non-existent relationship. At the impressionable age of 14 however, Sammy would add another twist to the already unhinged household. Young Sammy was unfortunately molested by a family member on her mother’s side of the family. Instead of taking actions to protect her child; Sammy’s mother however was annoyed with her child for announcing such absurd news. Her mother; instead accused Sammy of enticing the man that molested her and compelled Sammy to vow to keep it a secret from everyone not to cause upsets within the mother’s unblemished family. Sammy’s mother then conspires with Sammy’s aunt; the molester’s mother-in-law; to keep the incident a secret. Sammys cousin’s feelings must be spared, and her husband the molester must be blameless while Sammy carries the weight of it all.

The accusation from her own mother that the molestation was her fault was devastating enough, but to keep a traumatic experience a secret was a baggage that Sammy would realize was too heavy a burden to add to an already complicated family life. A narcissists’ demeanor is only self-serving, only their needs and wants are important, and it does not matter who they must step over, hurt, or destroy to get what they want, and their own children are no exceptions. As a young girl, Sammy would realize that her mother possesses the qualities of a narcissist, but how does a child survive a parent with narcissistic behaviors and patterns? Sammy and her sister must tolerate, endure, and deal with abuse and manipulations the best way they know how until they can find safety. Sammy’s memories don’t entail climbing a fruit tree or sustaining little scars to smile and reminisce about later. Her memories consist of running away, turning to friends, retaliate, therapy, poor choices in life and relationships, and substances to get relief from the tortures at home.

Sammy was coerced by her mother to keep quiet about the incident; however, the prudence of distancing from the family member that violated her daughter, report the incident, and take legal actions for her daughter’s wellbeing was discounted. Sammy’s mother is more smitten by the affluence of this molester and what she intended to gain from the prosperity of her family. Her mother kept in rather closer contact and without hesitation, invites this toxic man to family events where Sammy would be. It is clear to see that her child’s security is not of importance to this mother. As it turns out; instead of her daughter’s wellbeing; Sammy’s mother eavesdropped in her phone calls to make sure that certain information is not leaked out, impose into Sammy’s personal space to either remove incriminating evidence that would probably implicate her from abuse at home, or to find anything to scrutinize about.

An ultimate scar for any person to carry for a lifetime is abuse, perhaps the pressure to hide the abuse by her own parent, but that wasn’t all for Sammy. She would witness her mother discarding of her childhood photographs, because this mother must get what she wants at all costs and Sammy nor her sister have any room for blunders in the mind of their mother. If something was not done to her approval; the consequences are severe. To gain information to exploit the girls on a constant basis, their mother would impose in their relationship with friends, befriend their friends to the point where Sammy and her sister prevent interactions with those friends; not because they were no longer companions, but simply because they were tired of being the target of an obsessive parent.

The flawless family of four, children well mannered, trimly attired, parents respected by many; the perfect vale to distract outsiders, but inside the walls of this family’s home was two young girls distraught, pressured, and trained to perform immaculately to uphold a certain status. As it turns out; neither of the sisters have astonishing recollections of an upright family life as presumed by outsiders looking in. The elder of the two sisters is viewed as reserved, but it was unfathomable to associate her indifferences to being the victim of ill-treatment at home. A child that distant herself from everyone; nothing to say, nothing to report, nothing to complain about, must portray the perfect daughter while carrying the burdens of controlling and abusive parents. Sammy’s sister carries the weight of the outsider of the family, but the father that could’ve helped instead choose to side with his wife, mistreat, and then conveniently detach himself from their mother’s outward abuse. The girls’ memories are those of manipulation, physical, mental, and emotional abuse. While the elder of the siblings broke away; the younger of the two was left behind to bear the brunt. Their mother saw it fit to keep the sisters from forming a bond from a very early age, revealing her nepotism for the younger of the two; so, when the older of the two decided to leave; it was an effortless decision.

The physical and emotional distance between the sisters did not help the animosity and resentment that was built up in the older sister to subside after she left. Instead, the distance caused the siblings to grow further apart. Although Sammy would later realize the manipulations from their mother; her sister’s scars were far too deep to make amends with Sammy to somehow save her, or to acknowledge the immoralities that she escaped. She was out and free, and Sammy can now relish in the glory as the favored child. It is unfortunate that Sammy’s sister was taught to be distant which caused her to develop a cold demeanor towards Sammy since childhood. As a result of her sister’s absence at home; the victimization intensifies on Sammy. Expecting her older sibling to realize what was happening and eventually reach out to save her; Sammy wasn’t that lucky. Her sister was too deeply ingrained with hate and animosity for Sammy at that point. Her resentment for Sammy would not allow her to feel anything but rejoicing at the misery Sammy singlehandedly endure from their parents. Sammy developed trust issues, insecurities that resulted in unstable relationships to the point of a failed marriage that only happened because the only way to freedom was marriage. After the two-year marriage; as expected, Sammy was ridiculed and belittled by her mother; the only time Sammy’s father ever intervenes, saying it wasn’t the time or place and for Sammy’s mother to lay off.

Sammy eventually got tired of the constant maltreatment at home and decided to live independently. The abuse did not stop after she moved out though; it took a different yet familiar turn. Now Sammy was at her mother’s beckon call for all her needs and wants. Although Sammy left home, she was constantly being called upon to help her mother at any time of day. Sammy’s job and homelife had to be disregarded at times to rush to her mother’s demands. Although Sammy is independent, it seems that she was still responsible for cleaning her parents’ house, entertain her mother’s guests, and become her mother’s personal beautician and manicurist. The relief Sammy was expecting after leaving her parents’ home never happened. It is a battle that she is still struggling with.

After many years have passed, Sammy finally found love again. Someone that she felt safe with, loved, and cared for. With this new boost of confidence Sammy decided to break the news to her family. As one would imagine; parents should feel elated for the happiness of their child’s joy, but not for Sammy. The approval of her mother comes with certain terms and conditions. Turns out, the ethnicity of Sammy’s new love was not accepted by her mother. The happiness of Sammy must come after her mother’s bigotry, arrogance, and pride. Sammy was insulted and forced to end the relationship, and on the funeral day of Sammy’s boyfriend’s step father; he had to unfortunately overhear Sammy’s mother insulting and belittling his ethnicity. This created another storm between Sammy and her parents, but this time Sammy is defending someone that cares about her wellbeing. Despite the poor choices she’s made in the past, and futile relationships that have developed confidence issues for Sammy, she’s finally comfortable with someone that she could trust in her new companion.

Sammy’s mother brags about the accomplishments of the hebephile that molested Sammy to none other than to Sammy. It was some time after that the family found out that a close family member was a victim of the same hebephile as well as a few other young girls and women. It seems that the wealth of a hebephile and what she must gain from him is worthier than of her daughter and the other victims of this man. Sammy’s mother has no reluctance in inviting the hebephile to family functions despite Sammy’s pleads to not invite him when she’s present. Her daughter’s wellbeing isn’t as important as a wealthy hebephile; and in that, Sammy was outwardly told by her mother to suck it up about the molestation. Sammy was instead insulted about her career path as a distraction to dominate a conversation with her mother. Her career choice compared to the affluence of the hebephile’s wealth could not measure up in a conversation, and in the same breadth Sammy’s mother suggested that if she doesn’t like the presence of the man that had molested her, she could leave.

Why is Sammy’s mother so protective of a hebephile over her own children? Sammy’s mother was the match maker of the hebephile and her own niece; her sister’s daughter. This mother’s pride and arrogance would not let her accept truth, face facts, or deal with failures; especially if it is something she is involved in. So, instead of standing up for her own daughters with the molestation news; Sammy’s mother had to protect her own pride and reputation within her upright family at her daughters’ expense. Protecting the relationship between herself, her sister, niece, and a child molester is more important than her own children’s wellbeing. A mother’s first instinct is to protect their child, but not this mother; her priorities lie along the line of pride, title, power, and manipulations. When Sammy’s sister left, Sammy was just another pawn for her mother’s depraved games to gain from, and then disregarded thereafter.

Sammy was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) just recently, but clearly, she had been suffering for decades before this diagnosis was made official. Sammy suffered in ways that caused her to react negatively in many instances without any relief from her family. Sammy’s encouraging cousin once tried to have an intervention with the hopes that Sammy’s mother would realize the severity of the situation and the negative affects it had on Sammy, and to consider a child molester rightfully as the antagonist, a dishonor to the family, and a menace despite their prior relationship. The expectations were to distance herself from a toxic person for the sake of her daughter; but not surprisingly; Sammy’s mother showed up with several documents to sign off; releasing Sammy from assets that her mother had been in possession of; the classic manipulation to get as she pleases. Threatening to relieve Sammy of assets would somehow cause Sammy to backdown; giving her mother the upper hand to continue having a relationship with a hebephile without conflicts.

It was revealed that this child molester of the family had a prior charge and similar accounts from other young girls and women; one of which is a close family member as previously stated. This molester, as it turns out is registered in Canada’s national sexual offender’s registry database, and was charged with sexual assault of a minor, but none of the news are severe enough to interrupt the mother’s mentality to support Sammy. These two family members unfortunately, come second to a sex abuser; if not last to their immaculate family scale. This narcistic mother kept in close contact with the hebephile’s family because they have family superiority to prove to one another. They invite and attend each other’s family events, conduct business, and invite them to her home on special occasions as if nothing detrimental has happened to her own child. These are the burdens a young girl had to carry into adulthood; the helpless feeling, the cries to simply be heard, and to be valued by her own mother, while ironically holding in the very secret for her mother, that torments her for over 35 years.

This child molester was the typical predator that was nice, inviting, and giving. A typical family member that was naturally trusted by many including these two innocent girls. He gained the girl’s trust by being nice, friendly, and buying little things for the vulnerable girls. One red flag in particular that was disregarded but witnessed; was the failure to interject the awkwardness when this trusted man tried to feed strawberries to one of the girls. After the encounter with Sammy; the molester tried to bribe her with the use of his vehicle so she would keep the molestation a secret, but as anyone with a sensible mind, with no support system at home, and having to face the molester because he is family; young Sammy carried the burden until she found her voice with the assistance of a therapist to do something legal about it. With the confidence from her therapist, Sammy could finally work on getting the relief she deserves without feeling the need to retaliate in negative ways or feeling intimidated by her mother.

Many little girls love the idea of babies, and Sammy was one of those girls. The new arrival in any family is exciting news that brings people together. This was no exception in the home of a hebephile disguised as a doting new father, with victims that would be forced to be in his dissolute presence. The arrival of this new baby inspires family togetherness to celebrate and bond. Sammy loves babies, so it was natural for her to gravitate towards a new baby in the family. Sammy would unfortunately come face to face with how fast trust can be broken, how easily and effortlessly a child could be victimized, and how families can expertly hide a serious offence against a child molester, because money is worth more than the mutilation of a child’s emotion. This hebephile saw the perfect opportunity to sexually assault Sammy while she was in the company and sharing a joyous moment with his own child. From that point on, Sammy had lost a piece of herself that she’ll never get back, and with no one to turn to and feeling alone, Sammy was in a tornado of abyss for decades struggling to be free.

Carrying the burden of being molested with no support from her parents or from her only sister; Sammy strives for attention; to be heard and taken seriously all the way into adulthood. As a result, Sammy made deceitful decisions that she is not proud of. Her quest for support and attention wasn’t just because of the molestation, but rather the manipulations from her mother to keep it a secret, the lack of compassion from parents that should’ve been sympathetic to a child, the lack of understanding, the already physical and mental cruelty at home. The dysfunctionality at home was taxing enough, but that wasn’t sufficient. When Sammy had decided to get married to escape the torment; her mother was in control of the wedding guestlist. Sammy’s mother decided who would attend the wedding. Many of Sammy’s friends were denied invitation to her wedding, however as the controller of the wedding financing; her mother invited everyone she saw fit. One informed decision was to invite the one person that broke all trust in Sammy, the one person she wishes to not be in the presence of on such a significant day in her life, the one person that added more to her already rocky family relationship; yes, the molester was invited instead of Sammy’s friends.

Sammy’s father continuous failure to see the importance of shielding his daughters or even acknowledging what was happening remained barren until recently when it turned into him siding with Sammy’s mother; which was not a surprise but added more mental strain to what Sammy carried for so many years. Just when Sammy thought there may be the slightest opportunity to salvage what’s left of the broken relationship with her parents and sister; her father’s new twist in siding with her mother pushed Sammy further back. The silence from Sammy’s father for decades made her wonder whether he equally didn’t care about her wellbeing, or was he justifying to himself that if the girl’s mother handles the situation that he’d be viewed as the good guy. Did her father elected to be the dense one in the family all these years or was he the instigator behind her mother’s mistreatments? These are the persistent questions in Sammy’s mind.

Since Sammy’s mother insulted the ethnicity of the one person she feels loved and supported by; Sammy has a sense of validation that her parents would rather see her miserable forever. Sammy’s boyfriend’s ethnicity is constantly being downgraded and insulted by her mother even though he is possibly the best thing that has ever happened to Sammy. Sammy decided to speak up against her mother’s racial discrimination towards her boyfriend, and with the advice of her therapist to start working to find relief; Sammy tempted to set boundaries for her mother to respect something as simple as stop opening correspondences that are still being mailed to her parents’ home. Instead of leaning towards solutions in her mission to face her parents; Sammy finds herself in more mental ruins. It seems that every encounter with Sammy’s parents leaves her drained and hopeless to the point where the affects are being noticed by Sammy’s coworkers.

In public; what is viewed as the perfectly cultivated children in these young ladies, cover sadness and misery. When their mother nicely asks for Sammy to do certain things, she never protested, ask questions, or fuss. Sammy would quietly respond and quickly disappears from the crowd to instantly get her mother’s requests fulfilled. To the ordinary easygoing family, this behavior between parent and child is viewed as nothing but respectful, but to the shocking surprise; the behavior in this family however, was stemmed from more of threats than a request. When events are conducted; many would assume that skilled professionals were behind the execution of certain set up, but not at Sammy’s home. The execution in set up must be expertly done without fail by Sammy and her sister. Sammy describes the demands and micromanagement from her mother as though the sisters were indentured servants. Any sense of hesitation, weariness, or unavailable are seen as rude and will be tended to later.

Sammy’s mother’s idea of love is convincing Sammy to leave her boyfriend for a new car, because Sammy’s boyfriend is not to her liking. Another attempt to show her love was; the girl’s mother offered a family member money to lose weight, because of course the family member was not the size to their mother’s liking. As Sammy recalls; at the age of 13, her mother would dress her and her sister to look older and would sneak them into casinos for their mother’s gambling pleasure. At a young age Sammy and her sister knew that many things happening in their family was illegal and this was one of them, but as children of an egocentric parent; and without the support of their indifferent father, they had to follow suit. The alternatives to the traditional motherly love revolve around the old mighty dollar for this mother, with oodles of failure to realize that children simply need a caring mother, but this mother’s failures weren’t unintended, they were deliberate.

Sammy and her sister were both physically and mentally ill-treated by both parents; a mother that is straightforwardly malicious and a father that contribute, disregards, and disconnect at his convenience. They endured countless abuse from their parents, criticized by family members, carry the burden of being molested; shocking revelations for those that only saw a well-tailored home and a flawless family. Sammy’s sister was distinctly expressed that Sammy was the favored of the two from a very early age; hence the reason for the unwarranted animosity towards Sammy till present day. Sammy was bestowed the praiseworthy attention while her sister was slighted, but at what price? Was Sammy the preferred of the two or was she the easier target? She was constantly told what to do, where to go, how to act, and when Sammy refused to attend a university as her parents demanded; she was labeled the one with the attitude. Was Sammy favored over her sister, more loved, or manicured to fit a certain stature? From an early age Sammy’s sister felt unsafe to live at home with the disdainful parenting. With such an undeserved wedge between sisters; will they ever see the significance of connecting and recognize the magnitude of siblinghood that were manipulated and tarnished in the control of their parents?

Sammy still holds on to the shred of hope that there is still time to smooth things with her parents and sister. Just recently in a conversation; Sammy’s mother’s curiosity in the earnings of her daughters were not neutrally discussed, but seemed that their mother is still trying to keep a wedge between the sisters. When Sammy failed to attend a university as her parents expected, she was seen as defiant and rude. Her sister however did attend a university to the immense pleasure of their parents, but when Sammy’s mother decided to impose into their employment earnings, it created other setbacks between the sisters. Their mother manipulated her way and found the perfect opportunity to belittle Sammy’s sister although she went to a university as their parents wished, and once again created a distance between the sisters in their adulthood. Was their mother’s respond an innocent and concerned one, or is she afraid that one day these two sisters may reconcile and realize that they were driven apart at the most vulnerable time in their lives at no fault of their own?

Children, especially siblings split apart from compromising situations must realize the unhealthy path that toxic upbringing caused and how effortlessly it can continue to poison their mindset if they keep holding on to such awful past. It is imperative to recognize the manipulations and understand that the fault were not theirs. These sisters deserve to give themselves time to be able to make amends little steps at a time, and let go of the detestation caused by the adults that failed to cultivate them with love and compassion. Siblings must eventually be mature enough to put an end to the toxicity that have caused separation and animosity in their lives. Experiences are supposed to build character for betterment. Repeating or carrying the same negativities throughout life is not only unhealthy, but excessive; especially when victims of such capacity know the long-term damages that abuse can cause.

For W. S.

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